Perfect Memory
by PatronSaintOfBEGA
Summary: Sometimes she creeps in at the edges of his new life. Hakkai can never quite shut the door on Kanan, much less decide if he wants to or not. Spoilers n' whatnot ahead, folks.


Perfect Memory

**NOTE: _Perfect Memory _lyrics are copyright to Remy Zero, in case nobody recognises the song. feather-duster did _not_ write it. feather-duster doesn't own Saiyuki either, but she suspects you already know that...**

((Hakkai POV))

_Remember how they always seemed to know_

_We had the forest in our eyes, but the earth was in our clothes_

_They thought we'd fall - not at all_

_So look back on our treasured days_

_When we were young in a world that was so tired_

_Though it's not what we wanted before_

_Even the saints had to crawl from the floor_

I think about her sometimes when I look in the mirror. Of course, she was so beautiful, she had a gentler face and waves in her long hair, but there's always a little something. The colour of the eyes, or sometimes the way I catch myself looking - a frown, a smile, anything - pulls me back for a second. I go back there, God only knows when, some day when she was frowning like that, or smiling like that. And I see how we're alike. I hope she doesn't mind..I mean, that I still compare us sometimes. I remind me of her, you see, and maybe that is disrespectful to her memory. I don't like to compare the times then and now, though - the surroundings. They're both happy. I'm happy here, now. And I was very happy there, then, or at least that's how I remember it. When I think of it, it always seems that then is less complicated than now, though that could be because it doesn't change. I had - _we_ had - guilty secrets back then as well. Maybe I've forgotten all the little problems. I can't even remember what it was that we wanted to do. Buy a bigger house, maybe? Perhaps we didn't have an ambition. Perhaps we were just happy, though I doubt it. Perhaps we wanted to change then.

_Summers when the money was gone you'd sing_

_All your little songs that meant everything to me_

_And I'll remember you_

_And the things that we used to do_

_And the things that we used to say_

_I'll remember you that way_

Of course, things are so very different now. Everything else changed, and now I try to keep up; I don't mind, though. Even when it's so very different, there are...things to hold on to. Things just for us. He doesn't know...I never told him why I changed the kitchen. The utensils are in the top drawer, then the cooking things, then the plates. He never asked. Cups in cupboards, naturally. It's exactly how it used to be in our house. I don't know why I still do it, maybe just to have something to hold on to, even if it's an empty little thing that we decided out of practicality. I remember her in the way we used to do things then, I scrape together what I can carry over to now. It makes me smile a little. I like to think that if her spirit ever came here, she would know which drawer to find the cutlery in. Bizarre, isn't it? But he's used to it too, now, even if he doesn't know there's a reason. So it'll stay like that. I don't mind.

_Remember how they tried to hold you down_

_But we climbed those towers and looked out upon our town_

_But everything you hope will last_

_It just always becomes your past - it hurts_

_Summers when the money was gone you'd sing_

_All your little songs that meant everything to me_

I can remember that it wasn't always easy, at least. I'm glad I don't remember a Utopia, because then I would know it wasn't true. I hate to think that my memory of her could be polluted like that. Especially if it was by my own thoughts. So, I remember how hard it was sometimes, when we were both struggling to get jobs, and there were whispers..always some little whispers about us. I was afraid they knew. Of course they did. But even if it was uncomfortable then, she made it alright. The house...the town, the people. It was a cheap little paradise with frayed edges. I think I wanted to leave it then. And now...I wouldn't mind being there. It was cheap and it was nasty and yes, there were whispers. But there I had my other half. Here...the town is nicer, the house larger, and the people are friendly. And here I have him. I don't know how I feel about that. I try not to think of him in terms of what he isn't; it's not fair. He'll never be her. He can't. But I know he tries to, tries so hard sometimes it hurts me for him. It must hurt him to change himself for me, too, I suppose. It keeps us awake at night.

_And I'll remember you_

_And the things that we used to do_

_And the things that we used to say_

_I'll remember you always_

_But then how this world slipped through my fingers_

_And ever the sun seemed tired - I still cared_

_And as they lowered you down my heart just jaded_

_In that moment the earth made no sound_

_But you were there - you helped me lift my pain into the air_

I'd hate to forget her. I don't want anything to spoil it, you know that. I know that. He knows that. We've never talked about it. But sometimes, I think...maybe it would be better. If I'd never known her, I'd still be searching for her now. If I forgot her, perhaps I could be happier with here and now, and not think of her ghost smiling at me in the kitchen and knowing where to find the knives and forks. I'm beginning to suspect it's karma. But it's no use thinking how things would be. I know...I'll always remember her. And until I forget her, I can't be happy with him. I think I deserve it, but you know how it still seems unfair. It's my fault. I made the decision. Even if I made it again, now, though..I would still do the same. Over and over again, no matter how many times I was asked I would do the same. If every day was that day, it would be the same each time. Because I could never accept it. However many times I ran in too late, I would do it again and again so that I would never, ever have to give up on her. I hate what I did, yes, but I'd do it the same every time. I hope she would be able to forgive me. I know that she did love me, before then, but I'm a different man now. Would she from then love me from now? I don't know. I'm too different, even if... She used to say I had beautiful hands, but she knew about blood washing away, too. And she came to me from someone else, on that other day I don't like to think about, when I was too late again. But she forgave me, she was there in a voice and the sky and air. She was there. He was there, too, but there wasn't anything he could say. No matter how much I owed him or liked him or knew I would stay with him for the rest of our lives, he couldn't take it away like she could, and he knew it too.

_I still miss you_

_God I still miss you_

_I know that you are waiting there_

_I always thought that you'd come home_

I do. I do still miss her. Slowly, he's filling the void of her absence. He's got enough personality to account for five absentees, maybe more, though we both know it's not the same. I feel wretched. He wants to make me happy. I want him to make me happy. She's what's in the way and I can't let go. I don't want to die one day and see her face looking sad, asking why - did I betray her? Sometimes, I think so. Even though he's not the same. I never quite stop believing it, you see. I've never quite managed to shake the belief I had...not even when I was in the village, in the castle, running down those stairs to see her face behind the bars... I always believed it. That everything would be fine. That I would be able to save her. That we would go home. Honest to God, if she walked through the front door here and now, it would not shock me. I still believe in it. I rearrange the kitchen because I think that someday she will come here and know where to find the knives without asking. I idiotically still believe in it. And to some extent, I hate that. And to another extent, I love it. Giving up on her would be impossible, even if she's never coming home. And every time he opens the door, in some shameful place deep inside, yes, I am a little disappointed.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

Poor Hakkai. You know that part in _The Breakroom_ by KarotsaMused, when he was complaining about having "enough inner-torment vignettes to last six lifetimes", or somesuch similar? feather-duster was unfortunately unable to resist the pull of writing him another one. She blames Remy Zero, whose song of course is...ahem, referenced here, that not being against the rules on account of it's already in the public domain. Anyway. Forgive feather-duster her corniness. She loves Hakkai really!


End file.
